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Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
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HEATHER: Up straight.
Up straight.
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It's like there's a string on your head.
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It's just pulling you
forward. Forward...
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- Heather.
- What's up?
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You want to watch me knock that
bird's nest out of the tree?
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No, I can't do that today because
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I-I'm helping Sam get
ready for her audition
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for the school play.
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Silence of the
Lambs, the Musical:
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- A Starling is Born?
- Yeah.
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Dad, you're distracting us.
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No offense, Mom, but
you're kind of taking up
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all the rehearsal time.
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Oh. Okay.
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I mean, I just think, if
you want the role of Clarice,
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you can't just perform.
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You have to... perform.
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What's she doing?
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What she's been doing
for the last two hours.
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- Five, six, seven, eight.
- SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.
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I know he's eaten men
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I don't know why he would
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To me, his biggest crime
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Was being misunderstood
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Silence of the lambs
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Baa! Shh. Baa! Shh.
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Baa, baa!
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Mom, I've been working
on this for weeks.
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I'm just gonna focus on my singing.
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Fine. Suit yourself, but I wasn't Annie
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because I focused on my singing.
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You were never Annie.
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Yeah. That's what I
said. I wasn't Annie.
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Ooh! Ooh, ooh.
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Ooh, there's our little star.
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Hey, how'd it go?
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Oh, you look sad,
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but you could be acting.
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- I'm the understudy.
- What?
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This girl, who's the worst singer ever,
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got the part of Clarice.
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I wish someone would make
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a skin suit out of her.
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Hey, sweetie, sweetie,
no, no, no, no. Listen.
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Everything happens for a reason.
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Okay, there is no reason for this.
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Jack, hon,
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I need you in your nude leotard
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for Buffalo Bill's lotion dance.
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And Carl? Carl, I know you're
strapped to a hand truck,
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but your eyes have to be dancing.
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Come on. Okay, and, everybody,
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general note, just pick it up.
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Hi, Mr. Black, hi.
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Hi. I'm-I'm Heather Hughes.
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I'm Sam's mom,
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and I just wanted to
come down and talk to you
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- about Sam play... yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no,
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that basket is not nearly big enough.
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It's gotta fit all four
lotionettes and Precious.
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Where's my Precious? Precious.
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(laughter)
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Now, see, do you think
that he is gonna fit
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in that basket?
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Get real.
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Look, Mrs. Hughes,
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if this is about the part of Clarice,
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I can't discuss it.
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We at the school have
a strict penis policy.
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We're very firm.
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You have a what?
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A penis policy.
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- "Parental non-involvement at school"?
- Oh.
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All right, Clarice, let's take
it from the top of the song.
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(flatly):
I can't even classify
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(mouthing)
The clues I have
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To magnify
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When all I want to do is cry
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Special Agent Starling.
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(voice cracking):
FBI.
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- (music stops)
- Brava, Ms. Sloan.
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All right, back to one, everybody.
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Wait, whoa, wh...
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She's a Sloan?
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(dramatic piano music sting)
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No, Kiki.
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That music cue is way too early.
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(sighs)
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Can you play piano?
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Oh, this is outrageous.
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Sam is a much better
singer than this girl,
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but we didn't donate a
building to the school.
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Donating a building?
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- That's so '80s.
- Yeah.
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If we had that kind of
money... I'd buy a submarine.
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You know what? I don't care
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how much money the Sloans have.
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All right, that does
not give this teacher
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the right to play favorites.
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And when Mama sees injustice,
Mama fights injustice.
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Oh, please don't start singing.
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Five, six, seven, eight.
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Sorry to make this a legal matter,
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but my lawyer is here to assure
that this is taken seriously.
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Yeah, I'm not her lawyer.
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She just asked me to go to lunch.
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Mrs. Hughes, like I said on the phone,
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Mr. Black has final say
on all theater decisions.
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Okay, you know what, let's
go down to the auditorium.
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Watch Georgette perform, then watch Sam.
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Tell me what you think.
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All right, let's get this over with.
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So just not gonna have lunch
today, then. That's cool.
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In this hole I'm just not me
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In this hole I can never be
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Ugh. Mr. Black,
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would you mind letting Samantha perform?
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Oh, no. Not at all.
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Just like I don't mind running
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the Gay-Straight Alliance
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just because I'm the theater teacher.
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Okay, uh, let's take it from the top
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of the lotion song.
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And, Samantha, would you step in for us?
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Thanks. All right, and...
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act now.
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In this hole I'm just not me
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In this hole I can never be
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In this hole the
world crashes down
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While it rubs the
lotion all around
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You didn't cast her?
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It puts the lotion if you ask it
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It puts the lotion
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In the basket
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(in perfect key):
In the basket.
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Oh, yes! That's my daughter.
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- Let her finish.
- Okay.
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(bad Southern accent): You see a lot,
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don't you, Dr. Lecter?
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Why don't you turn that
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high-powered perception at yourself?
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Tell us what you see, or maybe
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you're too afraid to.
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Legally speaking, she is terrible.
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_
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So I named the character
in this novel Oliver,
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because that's what he wants
from his love interest...
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all of her.
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Brilliant.
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Yes, I try to be so subtle
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that people barely understand it.
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You really should write this down
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so that people can
learn from your process.
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Oh, I'm, uh, constantly
recording myself.
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Pick up dry cat food. No, no... wet.
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Wet is so much more expensive
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but so much better for the animal.
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Isn't it?
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Hi. Hi. Sorry.
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Wha-What are you doing here?
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Oh, I just... I wanted
to see if you want to
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go and grab some lunch.
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Oh, is this your mother?
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Oh, stop. (laughter)
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Hi. I'm Heather. I'm Joan's daughter.
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- Sinclair Wilde.
- Oh.
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Your mother is an inspiration.
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It's rare that I find a student
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so... so stimulating.
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Mm-hmm. We stimulate each other.
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- Yes.
- Oh. Wow.
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She has awakened poetic urges
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I didn't realize I still...
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make that diet cat food.
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He cares deeply about animals.
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He's a true renaissance man.
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- Yeah.
- WILDE: Yeah.
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Oh, and paper towels.
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HEATHER: Matt, this is serious.
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- What?
- All right, listen.
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They were all over each other.
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Okay, but that doesn't mean
that Mom is cheating on Dad.
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Oh, have you not noticed that
she talks about that professor
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more than Greg talks
about being an inventor?
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You're my big sister, and I love
you, but you have to stop jumping
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to these ridiculous conclusions.
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- What?
- Like when you thought the neighbor
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was running a brothel out of his house.
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Oh, my... Matt, there were women
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parading in and out of his house
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at all hours of the night.
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Those were his wife's hospice nurses.
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I don't know, when those
women stopped coming around,
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he was pretty upset.
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Because his wife had just died.
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Oh, my God. Like the
hookers killed his wife.
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Hey, what you guys talking about?
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Nothing. It's private.
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Oh, give it a rest, Matthew.
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You did not invent privacy, all right?
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You're not the inventor in this family.
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Come on, you guys always leave me out,
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ever since we were little kids.
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We're adults now, so tell me
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what you guys are talking about
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or I'm gonna tell Mom.
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00:07:52,593 --> 00:07:53,810
- No.
- HEATHER: Yeah.
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00:07:53,835 --> 00:07:55,567
First you told me that I was a bastard.
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00:07:55,569 --> 00:07:56,868
Now you're telling me that I am
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00:07:56,870 --> 00:07:58,369
gonna come from a broken home?
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00:07:58,371 --> 00:07:59,871
Don't you think it's possible
216
00:07:59,873 --> 00:08:02,006
that Mom gets some
intellectual stimulation
217
00:08:02,008 --> 00:08:04,709
from this professor that
she doesn't get from Dad?
218
00:08:04,711 --> 00:08:09,347
Hey, guys, is this
Cheeto's hair or your mom's?
219
00:08:09,349 --> 00:08:12,417
This is Cheeto's hairbrush.
I know that for sure.
220
00:08:12,419 --> 00:08:14,652
I-I have no idea, Dad.
221
00:08:14,654 --> 00:08:16,221
Where is your mom?
222
00:08:20,441 --> 00:08:21,526
Yeah.
223
00:08:22,696 --> 00:08:23,828
Come on, you guys. We gotta hurry up
224
00:08:23,830 --> 00:08:24,637
if we're gonna follow Mom.
225
00:08:24,662 --> 00:08:25,938
Her class gets out in half an hour.
226
00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,275
- Shotgun.
- No, I already called it.
227
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:28,433
In the house doesn't count.
228
00:08:28,435 --> 00:08:29,852
No, I was in the hallway.
229
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,833
Guys. We do not have time for this.
230
00:08:31,858 --> 00:08:34,716
Well, then tell Matthew that
you heard me call shotgun.
231
00:08:34,741 --> 00:08:37,008
All right, fine. Matt,
you drive. Shotgun.
232
00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:38,743
Aah! New driver cleans the slate.
233
00:08:38,745 --> 00:08:41,713
Okay. Fine. I'll sit
in the back for now.
234
00:08:41,715 --> 00:08:43,314
But you want to know
what, we are rotating seats
235
00:08:43,316 --> 00:08:45,450
every 20 minutes, like
on family road trips.
236
00:08:45,452 --> 00:08:48,386
- Get in.
- (engine starts)
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00:08:48,388 --> 00:08:51,155
GREG: Oh, man, I just sat on a banana.
238
00:08:53,345 --> 00:08:55,283
HEATHER: All right,
her class just got out,
239
00:08:55,308 --> 00:08:58,429
so she should be... oh, there she is.
240
00:08:58,431 --> 00:09:00,198
Okay, she's on the move.
241
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,100
All right, I'm ready. Let's do this.
242
00:09:02,102 --> 00:09:04,669
Four minutes left until
we switch seats, guys.
243
00:09:18,596 --> 00:09:21,252
Okay, guys, she is at a motel.
244
00:09:21,254 --> 00:09:23,388
- I-I don't like the look of this.
- Okay, Heather,
245
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:24,923
a lot of people go and visit motels.
246
00:09:24,925 --> 00:09:26,624
It doesn't mean anything
bad is happening.
247
00:09:26,626 --> 00:09:28,593
I mean, look at that guy.
248
00:09:28,595 --> 00:09:30,595
- Selling drugs.
- HEATHER: Yeah.
249
00:09:30,597 --> 00:09:32,346
Okay, right there.
She's going into a room.
250
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:33,965
I am sure that the professor's in there.
251
00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:35,567
He's probably taking off his tweed coat
252
00:09:35,569 --> 00:09:37,669
and getting ready for
an oral presentation.
253
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:38,640
(groans)
254
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:42,006
I'll tell you right now, I
am not calling this guy Dad.
255
00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:43,808
Mom, open the door.
256
00:09:43,810 --> 00:09:46,978
I may be a bastard, but I am
not coming from a broken home.
257
00:09:49,316 --> 00:09:50,982
Kids, what are you doing here?
258
00:09:50,984 --> 00:09:52,383
We are here to keep you
259
00:09:52,385 --> 00:09:54,686
from making a terrible mistake.
260
00:09:54,688 --> 00:09:56,654
Oh, oh...
261
00:09:56,656 --> 00:09:58,456
Joanie?
262
00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:00,391
Is this part of the humiliation?
263
00:10:00,526 --> 00:10:03,494
I think we're the ones
making a terrible mistake.
264
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:05,185
I have to go.
265
00:10:06,299 --> 00:10:07,532
Couldn't do this at home?
266
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:10,262
No. Sylvia the housekeeper's there
267
00:10:10,287 --> 00:10:11,970
on Wednesdays,
268
00:10:11,972 --> 00:10:15,039
and your dad needs a
headboard for his move.
269
00:10:17,544 --> 00:10:18,810
Well, that's great.
270
00:10:18,812 --> 00:10:20,545
Now, uh, every Wednesday
271
00:10:20,547 --> 00:10:22,701
I will just think of that.
272
00:10:22,726 --> 00:10:24,125
All right. You know what? Yeah.
273
00:10:24,344 --> 00:10:27,186
I got carried away
again, and I am so sorry
274
00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:30,121
that we had to see Dad tied up again.
275
00:10:30,123 --> 00:10:33,558
Well, at least this time he
wasn't dressed up like Santa.
276
00:10:35,448 --> 00:10:37,629
Our electric bill has doubled.
277
00:10:37,631 --> 00:10:39,346
A-Are you guys running a space heater
278
00:10:39,371 --> 00:10:40,531
and a fan at the same time?
279
00:10:40,533 --> 00:10:42,233
Marriage is about compromise.
280
00:10:43,129 --> 00:10:45,069
_
281
00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:46,529
Okay.
282
00:10:47,003 --> 00:10:49,088
Because you're not having sex,
283
00:10:49,113 --> 00:10:52,014
we thought that maybe this would
be a good time to talk to you.
284
00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:53,403
Your father and I
285
00:10:53,405 --> 00:10:55,372
think that you should start paying rent.
286
00:10:55,374 --> 00:10:57,574
You want us to pay rent
to live in our own home?
287
00:10:57,576 --> 00:10:59,807
Take a look at this
cable bill, all right?
288
00:10:59,832 --> 00:11:02,195
We have a $150 pay-per-view charge
289
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:03,851
for some Japanese anime series
290
00:11:03,876 --> 00:11:07,171
called Happy Raccoon
Sailor Princess.
291
00:11:07,196 --> 00:11:09,491
In our defense, we
thought it was a porn.
292
00:11:09,516 --> 00:11:11,855
You guys need to learn
about responsibility.
293
00:11:11,857 --> 00:11:13,500
This feels like a macro-aggression.
294
00:11:13,525 --> 00:11:14,960
Well, I don't know what that is.
295
00:11:14,985 --> 00:11:17,085
Why are they screaming at us?
296
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:20,736
You need to pay rent like real adults,
297
00:11:20,738 --> 00:11:21,770
unless
298
00:11:21,772 --> 00:11:23,672
you want to go to college, in which case
299
00:11:23,674 --> 00:11:26,108
we will completely support you.
300
00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:28,143
I have never felt so unloved.
301
00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:29,344
And you know what? If we're gonna
302
00:11:29,346 --> 00:11:31,281
pay rent, we may as well
live in our own place,
303
00:11:31,306 --> 00:11:32,655
where Dad doesn't have
to use our bathroom
304
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,149
every time he has to soak.
305
00:11:34,602 --> 00:11:36,151
I didn't ask to have corns,
306
00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:38,120
- God gave them to me.
- I know.
307
00:11:39,181 --> 00:11:41,314
Nice hat. Are you guys Southern?
308
00:11:41,608 --> 00:11:43,736
No, we're just adults.
309
00:11:44,414 --> 00:11:46,895
Okay, uh, so, your first place.
310
00:11:46,897 --> 00:11:47,842
Very exciting.
311
00:11:47,867 --> 00:11:49,831
And let me just ask, how
much can you afford in rent?
312
00:11:49,833 --> 00:11:52,803
Oh, well we haven't compiled
our financial dossier quite yet,
313
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:53,569
but we are, of course,
314
00:11:53,594 --> 00:11:55,771
dollar cost averaging
across the net gain,
315
00:11:55,773 --> 00:11:57,105
so, uh, let's just put that
316
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:58,540
in the ??�We'll get
back to you??� column.
317
00:11:58,834 --> 00:11:59,723
- (clears throat)
- Okay, guys.
318
00:11:59,748 --> 00:12:00,848
So, uh, the way this works is:
319
00:12:00,873 --> 00:12:02,324
you're gonna need first month's rent,
320
00:12:02,349 --> 00:12:03,822
last month's rent,
and a security deposit.
321
00:12:03,847 --> 00:12:05,314
Wait, last month?
322
00:12:05,316 --> 00:12:07,249
We didn't live in it last month.
323
00:12:07,251 --> 00:12:08,383
Oh, dear.
324
00:12:08,385 --> 00:12:10,630
Don, let's cut to the chase.
325
00:12:10,655 --> 00:12:12,554
We can't pay you today,
326
00:12:12,556 --> 00:12:15,355
but we're in a band and
our music is gonna be huge,
327
00:12:15,380 --> 00:12:17,580
and you can get in on the ground floor.
328
00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:20,373
Yeah. Think about that.
329
00:12:22,053 --> 00:12:23,098
Are you thinking?
330
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,334
(chuckles)
331
00:12:27,261 --> 00:12:29,237
Here's a place you can afford.
332
00:12:31,222 --> 00:12:33,342
This is just a drawing of a duck.
333
00:12:34,578 --> 00:12:35,744
Yeah.
334
00:12:37,217 --> 00:12:38,363
TYLER: And you've
always helped me
335
00:12:38,388 --> 00:12:39,781
when no one else would, Pop-Pop.
336
00:12:39,783 --> 00:12:41,149
Look, you're married now.
337
00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,648
It's time to grow up.
338
00:12:42,673 --> 00:12:43,652
But it's so hard.
339
00:12:43,677 --> 00:12:45,532
Everyone keeps telling us no and stuff.
340
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,322
And they keep yelling at us.
341
00:12:47,324 --> 00:12:48,383
You Millennials think
342
00:12:48,408 --> 00:12:50,053
everything's gonna land in your lap,
343
00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:53,312
but dreams don't pay
for houses, money does.
344
00:12:53,783 --> 00:12:55,430
And sometimes sex.
345
00:12:55,432 --> 00:12:57,165
So we should have more sex?
346
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,660
I don't think I can do that, Pop-Pop.
347
00:12:58,685 --> 00:13:00,138
No, no, no, no. Be resourceful.
348
00:13:00,163 --> 00:13:02,596
You kids are smart.
Figure something out.
349
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:04,539
You know what? He's right.
350
00:13:04,541 --> 00:13:06,274
We are really smart,
351
00:13:06,276 --> 00:13:07,776
and we just need to work harder.
352
00:13:07,778 --> 00:13:09,077
CLEMENTINE: Yeah, we can do that.
353
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,812
You know, if there's one thing I know,
354
00:13:10,814 --> 00:13:13,148
it's that the world is fair.
355
00:13:13,150 --> 00:13:14,149
There you go.
356
00:13:14,151 --> 00:13:15,190
Do things yourself.
357
00:13:15,215 --> 00:13:16,815
That's the American way.
358
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,317
Joanie! Will you make me a sandwich?
359
00:13:19,342 --> 00:13:20,774
I'll be in the hot tub.
360
00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:25,460
Hey, big news!
361
00:13:25,462 --> 00:13:26,102
What?
362
00:13:26,127 --> 00:13:27,696
We found a place to live.
363
00:13:27,698 --> 00:13:29,265
What? H-How did you do that?
364
00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:30,632
Well, we went by a bunch of colleges
365
00:13:30,634 --> 00:13:31,967
looking for opportunities.
366
00:13:31,992 --> 00:13:35,160
Oh, see, I told you
they'd figure it out.
367
00:13:35,239 --> 00:13:36,638
The best path, you guys.
368
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:37,737
Was it ever.
369
00:13:37,762 --> 00:13:39,608
They had credit card
applications everywhere,
370
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:40,809
so we got, like, ten of them,
371
00:13:40,811 --> 00:13:42,644
and we used the money to buy a house.
372
00:13:42,646 --> 00:13:44,146
Y-You what?
373
00:13:44,148 --> 00:13:45,914
You can't buy a house with credit cards.
374
00:13:45,916 --> 00:13:47,716
Then how'd we earn so
many airline points?
375
00:13:47,718 --> 00:13:48,950
TIM: Wait.
376
00:13:48,952 --> 00:13:51,186
How do you think you're
gonna pay off all that debt?
377
00:13:51,188 --> 00:13:53,499
Well, you get cash back
on anything you buy,
378
00:13:53,524 --> 00:13:55,434
so we'll be making money.
379
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:56,958
I just hope we can spend enough.
380
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,995
Man, I miss being as dumb as you guys.
381
00:14:00,123 --> 00:14:02,403
So, where is this house?
382
00:14:02,428 --> 00:14:04,028
Come on, I'll show you.
383
00:14:08,072 --> 00:14:09,237
What is that?
384
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,073
CLEMENTINE: Isn't it cute?
385
00:14:11,075 --> 00:14:13,068
Is that one of those
fancy little mailboxes?
386
00:14:13,093 --> 00:14:14,592
No, it's called a tiny house,
387
00:14:14,617 --> 00:14:16,588
but normal size people
can live in them, too.
388
00:14:16,613 --> 00:14:17,562
Pop-Pop told us
389
00:14:17,587 --> 00:14:20,092
to be resourceful,
so we took his advice.
390
00:14:20,117 --> 00:14:21,950
Yep, so we are homeowners now
391
00:14:21,952 --> 00:14:23,442
and real adults, and we don't need
392
00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:25,064
- to rely on anyone for anything.
- Mm.
393
00:14:25,089 --> 00:14:27,510
- Where you gonna put it?
- Well, we were thinking backyard,
394
00:14:27,535 --> 00:14:29,558
but if you want to show it
off, we're fine with front.
395
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,094
CLEMENTINE: Come on,
honey. Let's go home.
396
00:14:33,997 --> 00:14:37,699
(groans) I really had hope for that one.
397
00:14:38,283 --> 00:14:41,517
Take my hand
398
00:14:41,738 --> 00:14:45,207
This will be the
golden age for us
399
00:14:46,043 --> 00:14:47,375
Good God.
400
00:14:47,377 --> 00:14:49,811
Uh-uh-uh-uh-oh
401
00:14:49,813 --> 00:14:50,565
Uh-oh-oh
402
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,147
TIM: Where are they going?
403
00:14:52,149 --> 00:14:54,282
Take my hand
404
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:56,718
Take my hand.
405
00:14:57,065 --> 00:14:59,588
"Joan touches Greg's face."
406
00:14:59,590 --> 00:15:01,123
Are-are you sure you can count on that?
407
00:15:01,125 --> 00:15:02,557
(chuckling): Bitch, please.
408
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,721
_
409
00:15:08,337 --> 00:15:10,033
Hey, Mom, will you get me another plate?
410
00:15:10,058 --> 00:15:11,171
This one's dirty.
411
00:15:11,173 --> 00:15:13,240
Oh, here, take mine.
412
00:15:13,242 --> 00:15:14,408
(laughing)
413
00:15:14,410 --> 00:15:15,609
- Oh!
- (laughing)
414
00:15:15,611 --> 00:15:17,050
- (Joan yelling)
- She got me!
415
00:15:17,075 --> 00:15:19,407
Mom got me!
416
00:15:19,432 --> 00:15:21,132
Oh... (laughing)
417
00:15:21,157 --> 00:15:22,521
Um, what's so special about
418
00:15:22,545 --> 00:15:23,314
- the rooster plate?
- No,
419
00:15:23,315 --> 00:15:24,437
please don't ask. Please don't ask.
420
00:15:24,462 --> 00:15:25,919
Okay, it's the funniest story.
421
00:15:25,987 --> 00:15:26,643
All right,
422
00:15:26,668 --> 00:15:28,751
so I used to do all
of my holiday shopping
423
00:15:28,776 --> 00:15:30,610
from catalogs, and then...
424
00:15:30,635 --> 00:15:33,670
A catalog is like a Web
site, but it's on paper.
425
00:15:33,863 --> 00:15:35,492
- Thank you.
- Okay, and so, um,
426
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,500
one year, Heather wrote
the wrong item number
427
00:15:37,525 --> 00:15:38,509
in her mail-in form.
428
00:15:38,534 --> 00:15:39,291
- Oh.
- And...
429
00:15:39,316 --> 00:15:40,757
Oh, wait, wait, let me tell his part.
430
00:15:40,782 --> 00:15:41,487
Oh, right, good, good.
431
00:15:41,512 --> 00:15:43,848
So, instead of ordering slippers,
432
00:15:43,873 --> 00:15:46,963
she ordered Mom this rooster plate.
433
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:50,138
Now, Mom-Mom sneaks the rooster plate in
434
00:15:50,163 --> 00:15:51,659
with the regular plates.
435
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:53,484
And this time, she got me!
436
00:15:53,509 --> 00:15:54,815
- Yay!
- Yay!
437
00:15:54,817 --> 00:15:55,716
Yay.
438
00:15:55,718 --> 00:15:57,151
Yay. (chuckles)
439
00:15:57,153 --> 00:15:58,752
Am I missing something?
440
00:15:58,754 --> 00:16:00,434
Mostly their DNA.
441
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:04,019
See, there seems to be
something in their genetic makeup
442
00:16:04,044 --> 00:16:07,401
that makes them think that
story is frickin' hilarious,
443
00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:10,461
and sadly I know everything that
444
00:16:10,463 --> 00:16:13,897
these people will say or
do for the next two hours.
445
00:16:13,899 --> 00:16:16,800
Like, how in two seconds,
John's gonna say a joke
446
00:16:16,802 --> 00:16:18,269
and Heather's not gonna like it?
447
00:16:18,271 --> 00:16:19,536
JOHN: It was kind of embarrassing
448
00:16:19,538 --> 00:16:20,871
for you, hmm?
449
00:16:20,873 --> 00:16:22,573
Just sitting there with your cock out.
450
00:16:22,575 --> 00:16:24,041
- (laughing)
- HEATHER: Dad!
451
00:16:24,043 --> 00:16:25,509
- Hi! Kids.
- Huh?
452
00:16:25,511 --> 00:16:27,823
Well, a rooster's also called a cock.
453
00:16:27,848 --> 00:16:29,682
Hey, I can say animals.
454
00:16:33,052 --> 00:16:34,852
Family Bingo.
455
00:16:34,854 --> 00:16:36,620
Oh, I am loving this idea.
456
00:16:36,622 --> 00:16:39,493
Okay, rules are: whatever a
family member might say or do,
457
00:16:39,518 --> 00:16:40,552
you put in a box.
458
00:16:40,577 --> 00:16:42,737
Then, first person to
fill their card wins.
459
00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:44,028
Like this?
460
00:16:44,030 --> 00:16:46,372
"John does something
super creepy with Cheeto."
461
00:16:46,397 --> 00:16:47,665
- Yeah, that's a solid start.
- Right?
462
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:48,866
Yeah, very good.
463
00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:50,367
You're gonna be so hard to beat.
464
00:16:50,369 --> 00:16:52,150
You have so much
experience with this family.
465
00:16:52,175 --> 00:16:54,175
Yeah, but I'm not blood, okay?
466
00:16:54,273 --> 00:16:56,740
And I was all by myself
until you came along,
467
00:16:56,742 --> 00:16:59,568
so it's very nice to
have an outsider buddy.
468
00:16:59,593 --> 00:17:02,288
Aw, that's so sweet.
469
00:17:02,749 --> 00:17:05,149
"Colleen touches her
heart and says, 'Aw.'"
470
00:17:05,624 --> 00:17:06,884
One, nothing.
471
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,163
- Oh, hey, Mom?
- Yeah?
472
00:17:09,188 --> 00:17:11,055
Can you save some of
those potatoes for Tim?
473
00:17:11,057 --> 00:17:12,756
He's always hungry after surgery.
474
00:17:12,758 --> 00:17:15,592
"Heather mentions Tim
is a doctor." Boom.
475
00:17:15,594 --> 00:17:17,902
Oh, hey. There you are.
You guys literally vanished.
476
00:17:17,927 --> 00:17:19,794
I was literally about to call the cops.
477
00:17:20,766 --> 00:17:22,833
"Matt abuses the word 'literally.'"
478
00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:24,400
- This is almost too easy.
- I know.
479
00:17:24,424 --> 00:17:25,194
What's too easy?
480
00:17:25,219 --> 00:17:26,524
Ooh, what are those pieces of paper?
481
00:17:26,548 --> 00:17:27,305
- Nothing.
- Damn it.
482
00:17:27,306 --> 00:17:28,972
- Out of here.
- JOHN: Hey!
483
00:17:28,974 --> 00:17:32,409
What are you guys all
doing upside down, huh?
484
00:17:36,248 --> 00:17:39,216
Family Bingo? This is awesome.
485
00:17:39,218 --> 00:17:40,951
Yeah, it's a game changer.
486
00:17:40,953 --> 00:17:43,787
Suddenly, I want John to ask
me which type of Mexican I am.
487
00:17:43,789 --> 00:17:44,788
All right, I want to play.
488
00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:46,446
- Nah.
- (gasps)
489
00:17:46,471 --> 00:17:48,402
Yeah, we should let him.
He's not real family, either.
490
00:17:48,427 --> 00:17:50,617
- (whining)
- Oh, okay, fine, yeah.
491
00:17:50,641 --> 00:17:51,396
But just don't ruin it.
492
00:17:51,397 --> 00:17:53,497
Of course not! Look, since
you guys got a head start,
493
00:17:53,499 --> 00:17:54,865
what if I get the four corners...
494
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:56,239
- No.
- Okay, how about this?
495
00:17:56,264 --> 00:17:57,601
Instead of doing the whole sheet,
496
00:17:57,603 --> 00:17:58,936
we just do, like, an "X."
497
00:17:58,938 --> 00:17:59,837
- Nope.
- All right,
498
00:17:59,839 --> 00:18:00,871
- I'm just spitballing here.
- Hmm?
499
00:18:00,873 --> 00:18:02,184
But what if halfway through,
500
00:18:02,209 --> 00:18:03,951
- we switch our paper?
- All right, "Tim ruins something."
501
00:18:03,976 --> 00:18:05,979
- Check.
- No, that doesn't count.
502
00:18:08,547 --> 00:18:09,913
But that does.
503
00:18:10,608 --> 00:18:11,682
I got to think of something.
504
00:18:11,684 --> 00:18:12,950
- (gasps)
- Oh!
505
00:18:12,952 --> 00:18:15,719
"Tim saves the day." You got that one?
506
00:18:16,212 --> 00:18:17,521
- No.
- No.
507
00:18:18,261 --> 00:18:20,418
Oh, I just ate peanut butter.
508
00:18:20,443 --> 00:18:21,992
Give the captain a kiss.
509
00:18:21,994 --> 00:18:23,527
Yes! That's a two-for-one.
510
00:18:23,529 --> 00:18:25,349
"John refers to himself as the captain.
511
00:18:25,374 --> 00:18:27,865
John tongue kisses the dog."
512
00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:31,535
Damn! Okay, time to
play a little offense.
513
00:18:32,371 --> 00:18:34,004
Oh, Heather.
514
00:18:34,006 --> 00:18:34,618
Yeah?
515
00:18:34,643 --> 00:18:36,157
I think it's so great
516
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:38,142
how you let Sam play on her phone
517
00:18:38,144 --> 00:18:39,343
when she needs a break from the family.
518
00:18:39,345 --> 00:18:40,944
HEATHER: Hey, Samantha!
519
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:43,608
Come on, you know no
screens at Sunday brunch.
520
00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:45,833
- Such a good mom. Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
521
00:18:48,171 --> 00:18:49,353
- Hey, babe.
- Yeah?
522
00:18:49,355 --> 00:18:50,821
Try this, it's so good.
523
00:18:53,676 --> 00:18:54,557
Yeah.
524
00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:56,360
- Ooh.
- What?
525
00:18:56,362 --> 00:18:57,638
You've something in your...
526
00:18:58,231 --> 00:18:59,530
- there you go.
- Thanks, Mom.
527
00:18:59,532 --> 00:19:01,465
I had that one, too, but I wrote down,
528
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:04,067
"Joan marks Greg as her territory."
529
00:19:06,072 --> 00:19:07,556
I just got one box left. You?
530
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:08,914
Yeah, me, too. I just need Sophia
531
00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:10,482
to say a word that Matt doesn't know.
532
00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:12,551
I only got two left. Where's my paper?
533
00:19:12,553 --> 00:19:13,585
I just had it. It's like...
534
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:14,637
Guys, what's this?
535
00:19:14,662 --> 00:19:15,158
(gasps)
536
00:19:15,183 --> 00:19:18,134
"Matt mentions high school glory days."
537
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,159
You talking about my
three-touchdown game again, Mom?
538
00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:23,429
"Heather thinks we're
talking about her?"
539
00:19:23,801 --> 00:19:24,940
What's that about me?
540
00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:25,764
JOAN: What-what?
541
00:19:25,766 --> 00:19:26,598
Tim?
542
00:19:26,839 --> 00:19:28,154
It's a simple explanation.
543
00:19:28,179 --> 00:19:29,345
Mm-hmm.
544
00:19:29,370 --> 00:19:30,702
That Jen will provide.
545
00:19:30,704 --> 00:19:32,204
- Go ahead.
- What?
546
00:19:32,206 --> 00:19:34,773
They're playing People Bingo, Joan.
547
00:19:34,775 --> 00:19:36,589
Yeah, we used to play it in 'Nam,
548
00:19:36,614 --> 00:19:37,876
only ours was
549
00:19:37,878 --> 00:19:41,046
more like "if Bill loses
a leg" or "Hank dies."
550
00:19:41,048 --> 00:19:43,015
It's the same idea.
551
00:19:43,017 --> 00:19:47,352
You do it to survive an
intolerable situation.
552
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,404
Is that what you think about our brunch?
553
00:19:49,429 --> 00:19:50,208
- No.
- No.
554
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,924
- No.
- No, it's just,
555
00:19:51,926 --> 00:19:54,067
look at it from our perspective, okay?
556
00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:56,124
Most of your stories don't include us,
557
00:19:56,149 --> 00:19:58,140
so when you start to reminisce,
558
00:19:58,165 --> 00:19:59,665
what are we supposed to do?
559
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:01,066
COLLEEN: Well, Jen,
560
00:20:01,068 --> 00:20:02,734
we could have a great attitude
561
00:20:02,736 --> 00:20:04,503
and put on our listening ears.
562
00:20:04,792 --> 00:20:06,625
"Colleen sucks up to Joan."
563
00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:07,420
- Can I have that?
- Come on!
564
00:20:07,445 --> 00:20:08,744
I only have one left.
565
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:11,577
Look, we are really so sorry
566
00:20:11,579 --> 00:20:13,645
that we had some fun at your expense.
567
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,347
No.
568
00:20:15,349 --> 00:20:17,616
We owe you an apology.
569
00:20:17,618 --> 00:20:20,118
You are so important to us.
570
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,454
Your lives are woven
571
00:20:22,456 --> 00:20:23,605
into ours,
572
00:20:23,630 --> 00:20:25,524
and you make our lives golden.
573
00:20:25,526 --> 00:20:27,259
And I just hope that when I'm gone,
574
00:20:27,261 --> 00:20:31,897
you continue to... to weave together.
575
00:20:33,769 --> 00:20:35,102
Thank you.
576
00:20:37,235 --> 00:20:39,345
"Joan talks about her own death."
577
00:20:39,370 --> 00:20:40,403
Bingo!
578
00:20:40,428 --> 00:20:41,136
- (laughs) Oh.
- What?
579
00:20:41,161 --> 00:20:42,136
Come on!
580
00:20:42,398 --> 00:20:43,523
Oh...
581
00:20:43,978 --> 00:20:45,277
Seriously?
582
00:20:45,279 --> 00:20:48,280
I mean... shucks.
583
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:52,880
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